sexyback

It’s just a couple of days away until I start work full time, and I wanted to share how this past month’s routine has been.

One major difference in my life has been the fact that I signed up for not only a gym membership, but also a personal trainer (who might be a couple of inches shorter than me, but I would bet he’s easily a hundred pounds heavier than me). Both the gym membership and the trainer required a significant down investment of $200 each, and truth be told, this was a investment commitment I was quite eager to make.

Working out and the process of getting built has been an important goal throughout this month. I approached visits to the gym with great enthusiasm, and an intensity to give it my all and see where that takes me. Indeed… each personal trainer session would leave me on the ground gasping for breathe and feeling like I just got side kicked in the stomach by a 5th dan tae kwon doe master. When doing the difficult sets where the weight and the number of repetitions was placing war upon my body… my motivation was an image in my mind of Buffy. I envisioned her being all impressed at my new physique and that would give me the strength to push through till the end of the set. WHAT AM I DOING? I honestly ask myself that all the time. It’s clearly over before it ever began between me and Buffy… and yet, my mind still finds ways to interject her into my everyday life. I worry that I’m doing all this for the wrong reasons… but at the end of the day, if having a kick ass body was done for X reason, who cares? I’ll have a sexy body… and perhaps I’ll be able to find solace in some beautiful attractive woman’s arms.  See SIDE BAR 1

SIDE BAR 1 – Recently I’ve started to seriously question some of the key foundations of game/seduction theory. I was at a club in London last weekend with my buddies… and I looked around and didn’t really feel like running game. It all felt so superficial… so pointless… especially when one of my buddies started to try to run game. I was watching him running around, trying to dance with every single girl in the club… trying futilely to make a connection… and I found it so hollow and meaningless. The truth is… I want that connection… I want it to be true, I want it to be real, genuine and authentic. I want to find someone that complements me, challenges me, and makes me feel fucking alive. Game theory states that I’ll need to talk to thousands of people before I can have that. Some part of me doesn’t want to believe that I’ll have to do that. BUT ANYWAYS, the point of this side bar was that… at my current level pre-working out… a certain type of girl would become interested in me. They were usually of the same attraction level, which was probably somewhere near average. So even if I reject the tenants of game outright, by increasing my passive attractiveness value, I’ll be able to get a new level of attractive girls, even if I do end up rejecting game. No doubt… additional thought pondering will be required on this matter.

I’m a very long way off from being my ideal body image but still… every morning that I wake up where I had an intense work out the night before… I feel pretty fucking awesome looking in the mirror. My body is only just started to take the shape of sexyness… and still has a long time before the size of sexyness is added on… but still I can’t help but look in the mirror and think “damn son, you’re one sexy beast”.

I’m talking a lot about my body today… which might seem shallow and is something I’ve not really done before. Truth be told… I used to be terribly insecure about the way I look. In highschool, like so many before me (the more personal, the more universal), I seriously wondered if I was ugly. I had major self esteem issues, and when I was with my ex… I always thought that her ex-boyfriend was better looking than me. I was so damn insecure and that definitely took away from me as a person. It’s hard to be authentic and genuine when you have those kind of fears. … That’s one thing that I have to thank my undergraduate university for, giving me self confidence. At university… I was never short of girls that found me attractive. It was a new feeling and one that really helped me get over certain hangups. I had girls propositioning me! Imagine that.. girls who I thought were just friends would be like Dragon, I like you… and then wait for me to say something. (and you should note… if a girl starts to cook for you, she probably wants to be your lover. so… don’t let a girl cook for you if you don’t want to go down that path, oh boy did I make that mistake a whole bunch of times) I was taken aback, but at the same time, secretly pleased. I never said yes to any of them because after my ex, I vowed that the next girl would have to be better than her, and my ex was pretty damn special in my eyes. So every time I got propositioned, I would compare the girl in question to my ex, and find that the girl was not a match for me. Mistake? Perhaps… but I’ll never know. Maybe… I was just finding excuses to avoid getting into a commitment with someone. Maybe I have intimacy issues. I don’t really know.

So after university started, I started to have a better self image of myself. I allowed myself to believe that girls could actually be attracted to me. But… not once did I ever think I had a killer body. I mean… I’m skinny. Very skinny… and tall. If I was a girl… I would probably have been a lot more attractive. Skinny and tall are great qualities for being feminine in this day and age. But as a guy… being skinny was not an asset. Being tall was… and that I think balanced out with the skinniness. It probably balanced me out to about average. (Just think… when I get my ideal body… I’m definitely going to be well above average, I’m quite excited). Soooo… as I talk here today about my body… I’m really celebrating the commitment I’ve made and looking towards the future in excitement as to what possibilities the future will hold.

Now in terms of life updates… I’ve had a bit more time to think about things. I went out of town with my buddies last weekend and that gave me time and distance to gain some perspective on things. I’ve more or less accepted that I probably will never be a world class musician. I was at the edge of that bridge 4 and a half years ago… and I made my decision. Since then my skills have had four years to wash down. My passions while still strong have slightly faded. Unless I would do nothing but practice music for the next 2 years to get back into tip top shape.. this is not a viable option. In terms of poker playing… I think it might have potential in the future, but there’s a LOT more that I need to learn. So for now… I’ll just keep working hard at it as a hobby, and maybe one day it will be time to go pro.

So… when this job starts, I’ll go at it with the tenacity and enthusiasm that I approached my last year of school. Give it my all, and if that doesn’t work out… that’s cool. My real goal will be to do my GMATs in the near future, and then do more school. My goal in the distance is the same as it was exactly a year ago (funny how that works eh, I’ve really come full circle on how I feel in just a year). I want to be a professor, a teacher, a lecturer, a fountain of wisdom and knowledge. Everything, career-wise, will be dedicated towards achieving that goal. At this point in time, I really have not come up with a better way to spend my life. We’ll see how I feel about this issue in a couple of weeks once I’ve once again rejoined the labour force.

Cheers,

-Dragon Direction

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